dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
