apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Randomize
