if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
