I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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