So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
