My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
