True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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