and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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