i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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