Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
