I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
