Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
