dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
