I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
honey bunches of taint.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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