Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
