New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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