i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
