I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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