I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
