he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
