I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
You smell like stripper and shame
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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