I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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