I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
