I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize