Dude my mom stole all your condoms
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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