my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
