I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Oh god it's open bar.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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