Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
