You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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