I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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