My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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