mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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