It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize