So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize