I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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