I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
