you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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