I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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