im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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