so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
