apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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