i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
