if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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