My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
