I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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