yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize