I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
