so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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