it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
