seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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