Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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