Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
