There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize