I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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