i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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