just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
