Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
