Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
