I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
