The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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