Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
