I am puke
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
