so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I intend to get homeless drunk
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
