One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
