There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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