When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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