yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Sober January is a disaster.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
