well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
