It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize