well I can't set my house on fire every night
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
