i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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